Re-reading that first post was difficult. It’s hard to read and remember the actions and feelings that accompanied situations that were so painful. A lot has happened since I wrote the first post, most notably my decision to leave my marriage. I still remember the day that I vocalized it. It was so much easier than I even realized.
I had to leave.
I needed to leave.
It was best for me that I left.
That decision was almost 3 months ago. As I sit in my hotel room, recounting the last 3 months, it feels like a whirlwind. So much has happened that really should have happened a long time ago.
Back at the beginning of February, my husband sent me this crazy text about how he was going to call a divorce lawyer the next day so we could get everything straightened out.
Divorce lawyer? What the hell was he talking about? We hadn’t even talked about separation, let alone divorce. But there it was – the name of a lawyer and his contact number. I ignored it, because Tom has this annoying habit of overreacting. I didn’t think much of it until a week later, he sent me another message. This was after he had decided to leave town early for work instead of spending Valentine’s Day with me. We had NEVER spent Valentine’s Day together in the 10 years we’d been together. It wasn’t like I was sad over it – Valentine’s Day has always been my dad’s birthday, and so that was always the main focus of that day. But this year, Tom was going to be in town and he had made these grand plans to spend the night at a deliciously expensive restaurant.
We got our taxes done on February 12th and like a lot of things, they didn’t go the way we had hoped. We had sold our house the year before and that killed us on our taxes. When we would normally expect to receive a few thousand dollars back, we actually had to pay this time. Immediately Tom was in a sour mood. “Not much we can do about it”, I said. The next morning Tom told me he was leaving early for Florida and wouldn’t be home on Valentine’s Day. He cancelled our reservations and started packing. He never once asked me.
I didn’t respond. I just remember walking away and realizing I didn’t care.
A couple of days later, I received another text with the contact information for a divorce lawyer. That’s it, I thought. I’m done. I’m not fighting this stupid battle anymore. If this is how he wants to handle situations, then I’m over it.
What a relief.
What a fucking mess.
Really? After all this time together, this is how it was going to end.
You know when you finally make the decision to move on – even though it’s probably the hardest decision you’ll ever have to make, there’s a sense of calm that comes over you. Like all along your body had been telling you to leave -shouting at you to get some sense. And now you were finally doing it. NOW.
No turning back. It was over.
And now it was time for the rest of my life to start…